Beauty in Truth.

The other day my friend Ander came over to visit, and somehow I did what I dread doing...I told him what I was actually thinking.  It sounds nuts coming from a person as opinionated as I am, but believe me, there is much I do not say.  Given the opportunity, I will readily espouse ideas regarding how to combat poverty, educational policy, social justice, tax policy, or any number of other concerns; these topics are comfortable for me and allow me to discuss the things I value, and secretly my own experiences, without having to talk specifically about myself.   

Why don't I say what I am actually thinking?  There are millions of reasons, but most specifically fear and shame.  In my lifetime I have overcome quite a bit, but I am irrationally afraid of the disapproval of people in my life if I talk about my past. It has been ingrained into my mind, since I was very young, that I should not:
1.  Talk openly about my feelings
2.  Allow myself to be vulnerable
3.  Do anything that could embarrass my family biological/born family

I am done with those "shoulds."  They have not served me well, nor have they worked in my life since I was a child.  That is the way it goes with people like me.  We learn tools as children that help us to survive, and they form a purpose.  We are able to function in a world of dysfunction, until eventually we escape.  The problem is, once we escape the only tools we know are the ones we needed to survive.  These same tools that allowed us to live now kill all intimate relationships, emotional closeness, and any sort of feeling. They block us from truly living and from any sense of freedom.

To be open and truly honest with anyone has never been my strong suit.  Not that I go around actively lying; I don't.  But I definitely keep most of my inner dialogue to myself.  I learned young how to put on a game face for the world to see and to keep my hurts private.  Even if it seems I am telling my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings to someone, I am probably am not.  The worst part is, I usually don't even know I am doing it.    Learning to be as honest as I can is hard, but I am committing to doing just that.  I am finally comfortable enough in my own skin, and I love my family too much not to. 

The Blog.

Blogging has been something I have considered doing for quite some time, but have continued to put off.  At the urging of my household, I have finally decided to just do it.  I keep starting and stopping, thinking, "nothing I am writing is interesting enough that someone is going to want to read it!" but I have to start somewhere, right?


The plan is to write about whatever I am thinking, with no specific agenda or focus.  My goal is to do my best not to censor myself, and to be as real as possible.  I want to honor my experiences by sharing them with others; even if no one reads my blog, at least I have put ideas out into the world for someone to possibly see at some point.

As I said, my household has urged me and pushed me to do this.  It is a positive thing.  In what I often refer to as my chosen family (the people I live with and our close friends) most of the adults are some form of artist working in various media.  Whether it involves paint, music, or film, these forms of expression surround my life.  I am not an artist, and often find myself feeling that I have something to say but not sure how to express it.  Recently we have been talking about this as a family, and it has come up repeatedly that I ought to blog.  I have followed this conversation up by repeatedly dismissing the idea for various reasons, only to find myself turning the thought over in my mind.  It has finally become true in my mind that I have plenty to say, and there is no logical reason I shouldn't act on it. There is nothing I have to be ashamed of or afraid to write.  This was my biggest roadblock: much of what I want to write about involves personal experiences that I do not often share with others.

Reasons

To Blog:                                                                  :
1. Get thoughts out of my head and onto paper (digital paper, rather)                                
2. I have had some intense life experiences and I want to talk and write about them            
3.  There are experiences I have had that have the potential to be helpful to others
4.  Talking and writing about life can be freeing
5.  I need an outlet

 Not to Blog:
1. People might be uncomfortable with was I have to say
2. Blogging feels like "over sharing" and self important
3. Opening my thoughts up in a public way is intimidating