Beauty in Truth.

The other day my friend Ander came over to visit, and somehow I did what I dread doing...I told him what I was actually thinking.  It sounds nuts coming from a person as opinionated as I am, but believe me, there is much I do not say.  Given the opportunity, I will readily espouse ideas regarding how to combat poverty, educational policy, social justice, tax policy, or any number of other concerns; these topics are comfortable for me and allow me to discuss the things I value, and secretly my own experiences, without having to talk specifically about myself.   

Why don't I say what I am actually thinking?  There are millions of reasons, but most specifically fear and shame.  In my lifetime I have overcome quite a bit, but I am irrationally afraid of the disapproval of people in my life if I talk about my past. It has been ingrained into my mind, since I was very young, that I should not:
1.  Talk openly about my feelings
2.  Allow myself to be vulnerable
3.  Do anything that could embarrass my family biological/born family

I am done with those "shoulds."  They have not served me well, nor have they worked in my life since I was a child.  That is the way it goes with people like me.  We learn tools as children that help us to survive, and they form a purpose.  We are able to function in a world of dysfunction, until eventually we escape.  The problem is, once we escape the only tools we know are the ones we needed to survive.  These same tools that allowed us to live now kill all intimate relationships, emotional closeness, and any sort of feeling. They block us from truly living and from any sense of freedom.

To be open and truly honest with anyone has never been my strong suit.  Not that I go around actively lying; I don't.  But I definitely keep most of my inner dialogue to myself.  I learned young how to put on a game face for the world to see and to keep my hurts private.  Even if it seems I am telling my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings to someone, I am probably am not.  The worst part is, I usually don't even know I am doing it.    Learning to be as honest as I can is hard, but I am committing to doing just that.  I am finally comfortable enough in my own skin, and I love my family too much not to.